What if I told you that pain—yes, the very thing you’re trying to escape—might actually be something you’re choosing?
Not consciously, not because you want to suffer, but because, in some way, suffering can feel safer than the alternative.
For many people, choosing pain—whether emotional, physical, or mental—becomes a coping strategy. This can look like staying in relationships that drain us, overworking until exhaustion, engaging in self-destructive behaviors, suppressing joy, or even clinging to an inner dialogue of harsh self-judgment. On the surface, these choices seem counterproductive—why would we actively keep ourselves in pain? But on a deeper level, they provide something predictable, something controllable.
At its core, this pattern is rooted in an unconscious belief: The pain I can control is easier to feel than the pain I cannot control.
Uncertainty, rejection, loss, and unexpected change—these are pains we cannot control. They arrive unannounced, they strip away what is familiar, and they leave us feeling powerless. But if we preemptively create our own pain, if we impose it upon ourselves in a way we can dictate, we maintain some level of control over our suffering. We get to decide the when, the how, and the why. And strangely, that makes it feel safer.
Have you ever noticed yourself choosing a familiar pain over an unfamiliar possibility? Have you ever avoided joy, not because you didn’t want it, but because part of you feared what might come after?
If so, you’re not alone. Many people carry an unconscious belief that feeling good always leads to feeling bad.
If we grew up in environments where joy was fleeting—where good moments were followed by punishment, disappointment, or loss—we may have learned that pleasure is dangerous. That allowing ourselves to feel good only sets us up for an inevitable fall. Over time, we develop a subconscious defense: It’s easier to stay in pain than to open to joy, only to have it taken away.
Take relationships, for example. Imagine someone who repeatedly chooses emotionally unavailable partners because intimacy feels unpredictable and unsafe. On the surface, they may long for deep connection, but subconsciously, they choose relationships where they are not truly met. Why? Because the pain of being ignored, rejected, or emotionally distant is familiar—it’s pain they can control. The alternative—being fully seen, vulnerable, and sharing deep feelings of shame—feels far more unpredictable, and therefore, far more terrifying.
Or consider someone who throws themselves into work, staying late at the office every night, taking on more than they can handle, and rarely making time for rest. To the outside world, they may appear successful and driven, but beneath the surface, work is a way to avoid sitting with feelings of loneliness, grief, or unworthiness. Exhaustion becomes their coping mechanism—it’s a pain they can control. It’s easier to be overwhelmed by work than to face the stillness that might reveal deeper, unresolved emotions.
The problem is, when we repeatedly choose pain, we reinforce the idea that safety lies in suffering. It keeps us locked in cycles of self-sabotage, preventing us from experiencing joy, connection, and fulfillment. Instead of embracing the full spectrum of life, we narrow our experience to something that is painful, but familiar.
So how do we break this cycle? How do we move from choosing pain to choosing something more life-giving? It starts with awareness...
How to Shift and Heal This Pattern
Breaking the cycle of choosing pain isn’t about forcefully rejecting it or shaming ourselves for falling into it. It’s about bringing awareness, compassion, and choice into the places where we have been running on autopilot. Healing happens when we gently interrupt the cycle and begin opening to new possibilities—ones that don’t keep us locked in suffering.
1. Become aware of the pattern
Hal once said, “Awareness is curative.”
I often see people push against this idea, but I believe it is true. Our bodies are always moving toward ultimate health and wholeness. That’s why wounds on our skin heal automatically. Why would the psyche be any different?
When we become aware of a pattern and keep our awareness there, we begin to unravel its subtleties. We start noticing when it activates, how it plays out, and the moments where we have an opportunity to make a different choice. But this only happens if we keep watching.
The mistake people make is noticing the pattern once and thinking they should be able to change it instantly. But awareness is a process of revisiting, tracking, and allowing. Over time, with patience and curiosity, change begins to unfold.
2. Identify how the pattern expresses physically, mentally, and emotionally
Every pattern has a shape, a rhythm, a feeling. The more you can track and name how yours expresses itself, the more familiar you become with it. And the more familiar you are, the more choice you have.
Do you shut down when pain arises? What does that feel like in your body?
Do you push through and ignore it? What are your background thoughts when this happens?
Where do you feel it? Is it tension in your chest? A knot in your stomach? A foggy heaviness in your mind?
For example, someone who numbs pain with alcohol or substances might notice that before they reach for a drink, their body is carrying a restless, buzzing discomfort. Their thoughts may cycle around guilt, self-doubt, or frustration. If they slow down enough to notice, they can see that the drinking isn’t random—it is a patterned response to discomfort.
Naming these aspects without judgment is what allows us to begin working with them instead of being ruled by them.
3. Slow it down
Unconscious patterns express because we move too quickly to notice them. Slowing down creates space for awareness and choice.
When you feel yourself reaching for an old coping mechanism—whether it’s withdrawing, numbing, or overworking—pause.
Ask yourself:
What’s happening right now?
What am I feeling?
Where am I feeling it?
Slowing down doesn’t mean stopping the pattern instantly. It means you create a gap between the trigger and the response. And in that gap, you have room to make a new choice.
4. Identify the need and ask for it to be met
Often, pain is a messenger. It arises because a core need is unmet—whether by ourselves or another.
For example, someone who overworks to avoid emotional pain may realize that beneath their exhaustion is a deep need for rest, connection, or self-worth not tied to productivity. But admitting this can feel vulnerable.
The next step is to track the guilt and shame that may arise when asking for what you need. Many of us were conditioned to believe that needing something is weak, selfish, or too much. But needs don’t go away just because we ignore them.
Instead of pushing them down, meet them. Feel them. Care for them.
5. Hold the pattern close and work with it
When people first become aware of a painful pattern, they often want to push it away, fix it, or be done with it quickly.But true healing requires a different approach: bringing it close, holding it with compassion, and working with it.
Think of it like pendulating between pain and pleasure. If you’ve been stuck in cycles of suffering, part of healing is retraining your nervous system to expand into joy, ease, and goodness—without fear that it will be taken away.
For example, someone who uses physical pain to override emotional pain—whether through overexercising, restriction, or other forms of control—may need to practice experiencing comfort without guilt. They may need to sit with the discomfort of resting, allowing themselves to receive pleasure in small, safe doses.
As you track these shifts, notice what comes up. Does guilt arise? Fear? Resistance? Keep it close. This is the work.
6. Practice holding space for yourself
(Hint: If you don’t know how to do this, read my article “How to Hold Space for Yourself”)
Essentially, this means learning to hold yourself with love, care, and patience—allowing things to move without forcing or bulldozing.
Holding space for yourself doesn’t mean bypassing pain or rushing to “fix” things. It means creating a safe internal container where emotions can move, be processed, and integrate without fear of judgment.
7. Remind yourself: You got this.
Self-awareness without self-compassion is self-torture.
As you do this work, be kind to yourself. Encourage yourself. Tell yourself, I’m doing the best I can. I am learning a new way.
Shifting out of painful patterns isn’t about forcing yourself to “be better.” It’s about bringing more love and choice into the places where you were once running on autopilot.
And with time, practice, and patience—you will begin to trust that joy is safe. That you don’t have to choose suffering to stay in control. That you are capable of experiencing life in fullness, not just familiar pain.
Final Reflection
You do not have to stay locked in patterns of pain just because they are familiar. You are allowed to heal. You are allowed to feel good.
So I invite you to reflect:
👉 What is one way you might be choosing pain—without realizing it?
👉 What is one small way you can open to something softer, something kinder?
Healing isn’t about forcing yourself to change overnight. It’s about noticing, choosing, and softening—again and again. Every moment you bring awareness to your patterns, you are already healing.
So be gentle with yourself. You are doing beautifully.
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